Because Barcelona are so self-effacingly understated, so lovably altruistic, it is impossible to find any pleasure in Tuesday night’s més que un clubbing by Paris Saint-Germain; the football family mourns as one. But as a consequence, and also as a consequence of various other entirely unamusing poor performances, Luís Enrique is under pressure, with most commentators expecting him to lose his job in the close season. So already, rumours abound as to who might succeed him, and that’s Barca for you: firing our fantasy, even in defeat.
Among the candidates is Ronald Koeman, whose lack of qualifying achievement is offset by the fact that he was a good player for them thirty years ago, because, well, them. Also in the running is Jorge Sampaoli, whose terrifying demeanour and fearsome muscle-shirts would at least guarantee maximum effort from the players, while Mauricio Pochettino, Ernesto Valverde and Eusebio Sacristán have also been mentioned. Or, put another way, no one has a scooby, mainly because Barca are just so compellingly gnomic, so romantically romantic.
Elsewhere, Paul Scholes reckons Wayne Rooney will leave Manchester United in the summer; well, Paul Scholes reckons Wayne Rooney will leave Manchester United in the summer if Wayne Rooney’s not playing regularly, so Paul Scholes reckons Wayne Rooney will leave Manchester United in the summer. Of course, that will all change when his pace, consistency, aggression and first touch suddenly return, his inherent Britishness making a red, white and blue regeneration almost inevitable, despite the lack of any corroborating evidence.
Last summer, meanwhile, United failed in a bid to sign Thomas Müller – according to Bayern Munich’s chief financial officer, Jan-Cristian Dreesen; yes, that’s the Jan-Cristian Dreesen. The plan was for Müller to keep Zlatan Ibrahimovic company, hanging about doing nothing for the majority of games, but the sale “was never discussed”, insisted Dreesen. “If a player fits here, we would be stupid to go for the short-term prospect of a record profit only to weaken him,” the various parties told one another via the mediums of telepathy and mime.
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Report this adTalking of Zlatan, word is that he is wanted by Aurelio De Laurentiis, the chairman of Napoli. Quite what business it is of his, given he has employed a manager, is still to be established – all the more so given the success and mobility of the club’s current forward line, along with the return to fitness of Arek Milik. But there is, it must be conceded, unarguable logic in a surname that contains a double i.
Across Manchester, City are considering the purchase of Jack Wilshere; we know this because Xavi says that Pep Guardiola says that he’s good when he’s not injured. And Guardiola, genius that he is, is also keen to sort out his doddery defence, so is seeking to buy Thomas Lemar, the Monaco forward. Lemar, who cost £3m in 2015, is now deemed to be worth £30m, thanks to the eight whole goals he has scored so far this season; also interested are Juventus, Bayern Munich and Atlético Madrid.
Meanwhile, the talent-spotters at Paris Saint-Germain are at it again. Patrick Kluivert, the club’s director of football, has suggested that he may, at some undefined point in the future, try to sign Lionel Messi. Messi, for his part, has always dreamed of playing against in the big games against Lorient and Rennes, so could well fancy the move.
Talking of big – and its various synonyms such as gigantic, massive, colossal and enormous – John Terryand his big, gigantic, massive, colossal and enormous personality have, unsurprisingly, attracted interest from the equally disproportionate USA, as it seeks to make itself great again. LA Galaxy, New York Red Bulls and Orlando City would all like him to join them, but he has opted to stay loyal to Chelsea because that’s just the kind of guy he is.
